Inspirational, Celebrational, Muppicational

David Lee Roth once said, "I don't feel tardy." But I, personally, am. Tardy. Apologies. This was supposed to be done yesterday, as Chad reminded me a few minutes ago when he called me up and got all huffy.

First, Smoove wanted to pass on his best holiday wishes to everyone. Right now he's giving his new Keith Sweat's Greatest Horny Jams CD a spin and isn't available for comment. I, too, hope you all had a lovely, sparkling holiday. Kel and I did. One gift Santa brought promises to keep on giving...24 times, 30 minutes at a time. That would be the Season One DVD of none other than The Muppet Show. Don't even pretend you don't remember. We're all old enough here.

I epulugeeze-a fur beeeng su lete-a veet thees refeeoo, boot pleese-a stey veet me-a noo es ve-a refeeoo Veek 16

True story. McCravens e-mailed me midweek last and asked me to check out his spot in the standings. As many of you are aware, the jackbooted Kohl's Websense thugs prevent him from doing this himself. He was clearly trying to gauge the amount of risk to inject into his picks for Week 16. Play it safe or shoot the moon?

Well, Mike is mostly out of the running for the whole-season prizes, and I told him so. And he shot the moon. Next time, I will lie remorselessly. So congratulations to Mr. 14-on-Detroit. This week's jackpot is yours. Congrats also to Dan Franklin, our runner-up this weekend.

A few personal football-related shout outs:

Kirk Bell, who did indeed turn 40 yesterday, Kirkmas Day. A little ol' celebratory shindig here in town is penciled in for the evening of January 12. Details to follow.

Marlene Margulius and her delightful daughter, who I bumped into at Barnes & Noble last weekend. Good luck with the wedding. It will be easier than doing picks in Week 17.

Chad Lanning. Update? I got yer update right here!!

Grant Tullar (age 10). Grant, if you happen to read this and you did watch football last Sunday, I wish I could explain what you saw. Keep practicing. I've seen you catch a ball and you're already better at it than Jon Ryan.

Bill Belichick. We all wish the Patriots fire ants in their shorts lots of luck against the Giants.

Overall, it's Brother Jim coming up on the inside. I don't know if anyone can catch him. In fact, I am sure his run of consecutive weeks leading this thing (15) is unprecedented in Friends of Smoove B history. You will be relieved to learn I didn't keep enough stats through the years to prove that though.

And at the other end of the spectrum....what can you say about Bill Gullo? Even when he loses, he wins.

Oh, sweet relief! There is no game Thursday night. Picks are due Saturday afternoon, as there is a game that evening.

Courtesy Reminder #5

The ever-watchful commissioner reminds you that picks are due tomorrow by dinnertime. Game tomorrow night.

Week 15

Congratulations for Week 15 are ready to be dished out. This is the second consecutive first place finish for Team Lanning. Last week, you may recall, they shared the booty with Gina Mittnacht. I use that term - booty - very deliberately, as it is one of Molly Lanning's (age 4) favorites. Don't know if it means anything or not, but since she is doing all the picks this season and it seems to be working, I thought you might like to be in on the secret.

Also, Molly put on a little concert yesterday. She wants a hippopotamus for Christmas. Chad likely now has the down payment he needs.

Rick Tulloch hangs tough for second place, narrowly beating out Brother Jon by way of tiebreaker points. Rick, your award is scheduled to be presented by the young lady pictured. All she needs is your jersey number and for you to throw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns. Otherwise, you're old news and you'll have to settle for $20 from yours truly, which I'm pretty sure won't cover even one of Jessica's hair extensions.

Jim Wiesner continues his torrid run for the top spot, enjoying a 19 point gap over Tulloch. At the other end, Mr Gullo is plummeting willfully toward the Mendoza Line, and if no one decides to go after him, a modest sum and the Brian Billick Trophy will be enshrined in Bill's trophy case forever.

Only two weeks remain, and week 16 starts Thursday night with Pittsburgh at St Louis. Two teams most of us don't want to see on the network almost none of us can watch. Woohoo!

Courtesy Reminder #4

There is a game tomorrow night...Denver @ Houston. Get 'um in!

Week 14

For good or bad, the tube was still tuned to football early Sunday evening, despite the upcoming game (Colts-Ravens) having all the appeal of leg cramps. Dinner was almost over and cleanup thereof being considered when Kelly began:



"Hey...you know Al Michaels and John Madden...."

"What?"

"They sort of look like....."

"Who?"

"Nah....."

"Come on, spill it."

"Well....."

We have the rarest of occurrences tonight, with Team Lanning and Team Gina utterly, totally, and completely tied. Their points are tied. Their tiebreakers are tied. Their shoes are tied. As there is no second tiebreaker, the total weekly winnings of 70 in cash money is divided evenly between both parties, and both are awarded a kiss from my sister....next time she's in town. Ooh, look at the time, gotta run.

Courtesy Reminder #3

More Thursday football, y'all, on the Ticketmaster of media outlets, the NFL Network. This means picks are due tomorrow an hour before gametime. Do not wait till the last minute. Thank you kindly.


"Simply put, the BCS is BS."
-Dick Vitale

Reality Setting In

Due to the ongoing writers' strike, this week's update will be replaced with reality programming. Let's talk with our contestants.

Sarah: Yes, yes, I am definitely beginning to feel like I could possibly have thoughts of falling for Smoove B....what's that? He gave the final rose to Nadine? Damn you, Smoove B!

Bill G: I'm flying under the radar this time. Like, way under the radar. Subterranean, even.

Laurie: Helio Castroneves? No idea who he is. But he can teach me to tango anytime.

Rick T: I just pitched Pimp My Minivan to CBS. If it flies I'm blowing this popsicle stand of a football pool, man, and never looking back. Oh, how'd I do this week?

Amy: I am so gonna dominate the live-off-the-land immunity challenge. Look around! Rocks...twigs...this dried leafy substance with the nice aroma...what else do you need?

Joe and Nadine (2nd place): Randy said our duet was hot, dawg! Woof woof woof! Paula said we were nice, and that purple spotted elephants hovering above downtown make her sleepy. Simon said we were bloody awful. Doesn't matter. We're goin' through to the next round baby!

Aaron (1st): I'm not here to make friends. I'm playing to win. And yes, sometimes that might involve me walking around naked.

Congratulations to both winners this week, and to the likes of Sarah, Kirk, Team Lanning, and myself, that was one epic hairball we coughed up this week. We may be kicked off the island.

Only a couple of you left with those entry fees. Kristen just turned hers in and has vowed to help me seek out the stragglers. Why, here she is now:

Resistance is futile. The tribe has spoken.