Inspirational, Celebrational, Muppicational

David Lee Roth once said, "I don't feel tardy." But I, personally, am. Tardy. Apologies. This was supposed to be done yesterday, as Chad reminded me a few minutes ago when he called me up and got all huffy.

First, Smoove wanted to pass on his best holiday wishes to everyone. Right now he's giving his new Keith Sweat's Greatest Horny Jams CD a spin and isn't available for comment. I, too, hope you all had a lovely, sparkling holiday. Kel and I did. One gift Santa brought promises to keep on giving...24 times, 30 minutes at a time. That would be the Season One DVD of none other than The Muppet Show. Don't even pretend you don't remember. We're all old enough here.

I epulugeeze-a fur beeeng su lete-a veet thees refeeoo, boot pleese-a stey veet me-a noo es ve-a refeeoo Veek 16

True story. McCravens e-mailed me midweek last and asked me to check out his spot in the standings. As many of you are aware, the jackbooted Kohl's Websense thugs prevent him from doing this himself. He was clearly trying to gauge the amount of risk to inject into his picks for Week 16. Play it safe or shoot the moon?

Well, Mike is mostly out of the running for the whole-season prizes, and I told him so. And he shot the moon. Next time, I will lie remorselessly. So congratulations to Mr. 14-on-Detroit. This week's jackpot is yours. Congrats also to Dan Franklin, our runner-up this weekend.

A few personal football-related shout outs:

Kirk Bell, who did indeed turn 40 yesterday, Kirkmas Day. A little ol' celebratory shindig here in town is penciled in for the evening of January 12. Details to follow.

Marlene Margulius and her delightful daughter, who I bumped into at Barnes & Noble last weekend. Good luck with the wedding. It will be easier than doing picks in Week 17.

Chad Lanning. Update? I got yer update right here!!

Grant Tullar (age 10). Grant, if you happen to read this and you did watch football last Sunday, I wish I could explain what you saw. Keep practicing. I've seen you catch a ball and you're already better at it than Jon Ryan.

Bill Belichick. We all wish the Patriots fire ants in their shorts lots of luck against the Giants.

Overall, it's Brother Jim coming up on the inside. I don't know if anyone can catch him. In fact, I am sure his run of consecutive weeks leading this thing (15) is unprecedented in Friends of Smoove B history. You will be relieved to learn I didn't keep enough stats through the years to prove that though.

And at the other end of the spectrum....what can you say about Bill Gullo? Even when he loses, he wins.

Oh, sweet relief! There is no game Thursday night. Picks are due Saturday afternoon, as there is a game that evening.

Courtesy Reminder #5

The ever-watchful commissioner reminds you that picks are due tomorrow by dinnertime. Game tomorrow night.

Week 15

Congratulations for Week 15 are ready to be dished out. This is the second consecutive first place finish for Team Lanning. Last week, you may recall, they shared the booty with Gina Mittnacht. I use that term - booty - very deliberately, as it is one of Molly Lanning's (age 4) favorites. Don't know if it means anything or not, but since she is doing all the picks this season and it seems to be working, I thought you might like to be in on the secret.

Also, Molly put on a little concert yesterday. She wants a hippopotamus for Christmas. Chad likely now has the down payment he needs.

Rick Tulloch hangs tough for second place, narrowly beating out Brother Jon by way of tiebreaker points. Rick, your award is scheduled to be presented by the young lady pictured. All she needs is your jersey number and for you to throw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns. Otherwise, you're old news and you'll have to settle for $20 from yours truly, which I'm pretty sure won't cover even one of Jessica's hair extensions.

Jim Wiesner continues his torrid run for the top spot, enjoying a 19 point gap over Tulloch. At the other end, Mr Gullo is plummeting willfully toward the Mendoza Line, and if no one decides to go after him, a modest sum and the Brian Billick Trophy will be enshrined in Bill's trophy case forever.

Only two weeks remain, and week 16 starts Thursday night with Pittsburgh at St Louis. Two teams most of us don't want to see on the network almost none of us can watch. Woohoo!

Courtesy Reminder #4

There is a game tomorrow night...Denver @ Houston. Get 'um in!

Week 14

For good or bad, the tube was still tuned to football early Sunday evening, despite the upcoming game (Colts-Ravens) having all the appeal of leg cramps. Dinner was almost over and cleanup thereof being considered when Kelly began:



"Hey...you know Al Michaels and John Madden...."

"What?"

"They sort of look like....."

"Who?"

"Nah....."

"Come on, spill it."

"Well....."

We have the rarest of occurrences tonight, with Team Lanning and Team Gina utterly, totally, and completely tied. Their points are tied. Their tiebreakers are tied. Their shoes are tied. As there is no second tiebreaker, the total weekly winnings of 70 in cash money is divided evenly between both parties, and both are awarded a kiss from my sister....next time she's in town. Ooh, look at the time, gotta run.

Courtesy Reminder #3

More Thursday football, y'all, on the Ticketmaster of media outlets, the NFL Network. This means picks are due tomorrow an hour before gametime. Do not wait till the last minute. Thank you kindly.


"Simply put, the BCS is BS."
-Dick Vitale

Reality Setting In

Due to the ongoing writers' strike, this week's update will be replaced with reality programming. Let's talk with our contestants.

Sarah: Yes, yes, I am definitely beginning to feel like I could possibly have thoughts of falling for Smoove B....what's that? He gave the final rose to Nadine? Damn you, Smoove B!

Bill G: I'm flying under the radar this time. Like, way under the radar. Subterranean, even.

Laurie: Helio Castroneves? No idea who he is. But he can teach me to tango anytime.

Rick T: I just pitched Pimp My Minivan to CBS. If it flies I'm blowing this popsicle stand of a football pool, man, and never looking back. Oh, how'd I do this week?

Amy: I am so gonna dominate the live-off-the-land immunity challenge. Look around! Rocks...twigs...this dried leafy substance with the nice aroma...what else do you need?

Joe and Nadine (2nd place): Randy said our duet was hot, dawg! Woof woof woof! Paula said we were nice, and that purple spotted elephants hovering above downtown make her sleepy. Simon said we were bloody awful. Doesn't matter. We're goin' through to the next round baby!

Aaron (1st): I'm not here to make friends. I'm playing to win. And yes, sometimes that might involve me walking around naked.

Congratulations to both winners this week, and to the likes of Sarah, Kirk, Team Lanning, and myself, that was one epic hairball we coughed up this week. We may be kicked off the island.

Only a couple of you left with those entry fees. Kristen just turned hers in and has vowed to help me seek out the stragglers. Why, here she is now:

Resistance is futile. The tribe has spoken.

Courtesy Reminder #2

Yo! Picks are due tomorrow, Thursday November 29, by dinnertime. Don't wait.



“It looks like they didn’t have enough offenders to defend defensively.”
-Tony Siragusa

Week 12

Thinking tonight's game featuring the Steelers vs. the Dead Fishes might be unintentionally hilarious, I made plans to do something more entertaining, like catalog toast recipes. Then, as so often happens, Kelly coerced me to the couch, took over the remote, and basically forced me to watch football. There wasn't a thing I could do about it.

This was a good thing®, as any game played in slop instantly makes it interesting and memorable. Steve Krier might be curious about the Steelers' placekicker, who accounted for the only points tonight and put Steve in first ahead of the Dean/Marlene tandem. So yeah. Steve, this is the guy who saved your bacon with football's first underwater field goal. Drink it in, baby, and congratulations to this week's winners.

In case you were wondering, the results of last Thursday's Turkey Bowl: Joe's Yellow Blackbirds 42, Gary's Pink Elephants 7. The two all-time quarterbacks threw a combined total of at least nine interceptions against about eight combined pass completions. Both of us were promptly contacted by Ron Turner of the...nevermind.

Overall, Tulloch is putting the heat on Brother Jim, whose once safe 20-something lead has dwindled to SIX. And right behind Rick is Team Lanning. Beware those Lannings. That whole cute-as-a-button thing the girls have going hides a menacing force that is not to be trifled with.

Reminder

Picks Picks Picks! Deadline tomorrow morning, 10:00 CST. Happy T-Day, y'allz.

That's a Rap. Wrap. Whatever.

The news came fast and furious today. Mike Vick turned himself in to Tommy Lee Jones and started his time on ice. Cato June (of the Bucs) busted for DWI. Football players with "Henry" in their name finding all kinds of trouble. And Ricky Williams is back from the Planet of Weed. The Dolphins' season might be about to get a whole lot better, regardless of whether Ricky plays or not.

Scott Rightmyre was in possession of an uncontrolled substance this weekend, such as whoopass or high-potency awesomeness. Congratulations to Scott and Cory on their 1st place victory tonight, which breaks the three week drought since they last won something.

As for second place....well, you know.

Anyone catch the guy at Lambeau on TV Sunday wearing the gold Darth Vader helmet with the big G on the side? That level of awesome could never be contained in an indoor stadium. And Bill Gullo, sorry man. We're gonna get you your outfit back as soon as we can track that guy down.

This is Thanksgiving week, of course. Packer fans have no excuse but to remember to have those picks in by about 10:30 CST on Thursday morning, kickoff @ Detroit being at 11:30. The rest of you also have no excuse, you just have one less reason to remember. However, I will remind you, because I am thankful for you all being in my pool. I am thankful that no one is getting on me over this whole Wiesner-über-alles thing my brother Jim has going. I am thankful that those of you who still need to get your entry fees in this season are absolutely positively doing that this week. I am thankful that the Turkey Bowl tradition carries on this Thursday morning at Calhoun Park in New Berlin (all welcome/dress warm/no tackling/no talent/no problem). Basically, I'm a pretty thankful guy.

What are you thankful for this week?

Week 10...In Pictures!

I thought I knew what Dan Franklin was up to last week. At lot I know. Last week I called your attention to his two year drought in finishing in the money. This week he solved that problem, winning this down-is-up, war-is-peace, Rams-are-playoff-bound week in convincing fashion. Bockheim, the Menacing Marauder from Michigan, who knows no such pain, finishes in the money yet again, ten points behind Dan.

Meanwhile:

"Yo, Ruvell. Gene Simmons called. He wants you to quit working his side of the street."

Brother Jim continues to hold serve in the season-long derby, 20 points up on Laurie, his nearest competition.

Meanwhile:

The Cleveland Browns get a look at the abysmal picks Stellick and I did this week.

Tune in next time, when we recap the latest horror to befall football fans everywhere (particularly my vegan sister), as some guy holds up a hunk of meat (not making this up) while John Mellencamp sings in the background.

The dream is still alive
And so's this piece of steak
But we need to sell some trucks
Disgusting is what it takes
This is our countryyyyyy

Then And Now

Pack Fans only on this one. Back with more tonight.

Then. Nearly peed my pants.

Brett Favre Demands Trade To 1996 Packers

Now. Nearly shed a tear.

USA Today article

Week 9...In Color!

Knowing full well the fact that the commissioner's two brothers finish 1-2 this week will not likely be well-received by the masses, allow me to humbly hang them both out to dry before I hand them your hard-earned cash.

(circa 1981)


Of course, they've grown considerably since that picture was shot, and have other stuff going on now, as evidenced by this publicity shot taken only last week.

In other news, Dan Franklin has had just about enough of this s***. I ran a few numbers tonight while the Ravens were putting on a show with their vaunted "insurance seminar-offense", and in doing so discovered that Dan owns the longest drought in the pool, his last money finish being 10/9/2005. Dan himself was probably aware of this already, because he is clearly up to something now.

Thanks to all Friends Of Smoove B who were able to join in the happy hour last Friday evening at Metro. After nine years, we have confirmation beyond any doubt that Marlene is indeed real and I'm just sorry that her introduction to the group involved Kirk swinging from a window swag yelling something about achieving oneness with his fantasy team this weekend. That's just a whole other story though.

Thanks for reading. We return you now to Chevy Truck Month. Blech.

Blimey, it's Week Eight

In honor of the first NFL game played in London on Sunday, tonight's update is brought to you by Vauxhall, Burberry, and Newcastle. I don't recommend eating bangers and mash during Packer games.

Don't know if you caught it, but the second horseman of the marketing apocalypse (the first was a Bud ad a few weeks ago) was visited upon us this weekend when Mazda engaged a gospel choir to sing "zoom zoom zoom". I tried to send The Clark Sisters a case of Maalox, but it was too late.

As much as I'd love to congratulate my brother Jon as winner of Week 8 in our little pool, unfortunately I cannot. The Patriots beat him to it, right after they beat the Redskins, the point spread, the Colorado Rockies, and some puppies. Furthermore, Scott Bockheim regrettably does not win second place as the Patriots took that too, along with all of Scott's loose change and I think one of his kids.

"We need seven yards? Okay. Let's run the headless horseman."

Happy Halloween to everyone. Be scary and safe and stuff. A reminder that all are welcome to join us for happy hour this Friday evening at Hotel Metro, corner of Mason and Milwaukee downtown.

Week 7

I hope this note finds everyone in good health. Whatever sinus-crushing thing is going around has been downright nasty and will simply not go away. Not unlike Nicole Richie. It got Kelly last week, but fortunately, she located this new remedy, now sold over-the-counter. An endorsement deal may already be in the works. Also available in gravy flavor.

The shout goes out to Nadine and Joe and the Sanderses, who administered a beatdown on us this week. The winning margin of six doesn't really tell the story very well, seeing as how they had but one game wrong and that one came down to a last second field goal.

In second place for week 7 is the highly dynamic and very pregnant duo of Scott and Cory.

Mid-season approaches, and it is probably not too soon to take note of any individual who may be quietly, deliberately lurching toward the bellyflop award and the mad coin that goes with winning it. I shall not name names.

This week's update has been brought to you by MillerCoorsGEUniversalTimeWarner Inc. Rumors of the Friends of Smoove B football pool merging with Boeing are unfounded and we will have no further comment on the matter.

Oh yes, there's this Happy Hour coming up. Anyone who can get away for a couple hours on Friday evening, November 2, at 6-ish, is invited to a birthday happy hour at Hotel Metro. There are two bars; check the one on the first floor first and the rooftop (no lie) second. Metro has $5 martinis on Friday nights, and great appetizers too. Not that any of us partakes in the evil drink.

No RSVP needed. Hope to see you...and meet some of you for the first time.

Week 6 Softcore Edition

For those of you who remember the stealthy way my sister dominated so many weeks last season, you may be feeling some deja vu here. The quiet winner of second place this week, and the person in second overall, is Laurie Sexton. We join this conversation with Laurie already in progress

Me: So what's your secret? You weren't even in this thing last year!
Laurie: You're really making much too big a deal of this.
Me: Come on, dish. I'm pretending somebody's reading this.
Laurie: Alright. I watch a lot of that Ron Jeremy guy on ESPN.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Laurie: You know, the guy who breaks down game film for his viewing audience.
Me: Ummmmm
Laurie: He's really good, especially the stuff about blocking schemes and maximum protection.
Me: Laurie, I think you're talking about Ron Jaworski.
Laurie: Whatever. Same difference.
Me: Well...not exactly....
Laurie: Anything else, or can I go now?

Aside from Laurie's second place finish, a note of congrats to Team Dean and Marlene, who recovered nicely after being robbed blind by Dallas last week and win the big five-oh this time.

I finally posted the financials and they can be found by clicking here. So how does this work? Check the Balance column. If there's a number in parentheses there, that's me owing you for winnings to date. If there's a zero, we cool. If there's something else there, you will soon be paid a visit by 345 lb former Packer Grady Jackson, now of the Falcons. He is my new entry fee enforcer and has been told that you are a barbeque sandwich.

That is all for this time.

Third time's the curse

I have one of those credit cards that pays back 1% on purchases made. It had been quite a while since I last cashed in, so last Friday, I called in.

"Hello!" said the cheerful, heavily-accented voice on the other end. "My name is Justin! How may I help you?"

Okay, "Justin" it is. I gave him all the particulars and in short order, he ordered up a nice tidy check made out to me as a reward for my loyal usage of his company's branded credit card. "Anything else I can help you with sir?"

"No thanks, but I appreciate the help."

"Now sir, before I let you go, I see you aren't enrolled in our payment insurance program..." (at this point I started thinking of more interesting things like status meetings)..."so can I interest you in this program?"

"No thanks, that won't be necessary...just the check."

Justin's pleasant demeanor changed a bit at this point and we said our goodbyes.

Well, today, a half-dozen gift cards from The Gap showed up, with a combined value of about half of what I cashed out. I don't know what the point of telling you this is, other than to speculate that Justin's performance was the second of two thilly-ath turnabouts in the last 24 hours that are eating me up, the first being the Packers' play calling in the second half last night. These things tend to travel in threes, so I don't even want to guess what tomorrow might bring.

But, on the brighter side, I'm set for blue jeans for the next 13 years.

This just in. A picture of Marlene Margulius:



This week's jackpot was OWNED by Team Dean and Marlene for 59 minutes and 58 seconds tonight. Their contrarian methodology (16 on Buffalo) has gotten them close many times before, and a rookie placekicker wasn't going to rob them from 53 yards out. Right?

Only he did, putting Dave Stellick in first this week, and Steve Krier three behind in second place. Congratulations, fellas.

Haven't forgotten the financials. I'll get them posted soon. Please remain calm.

Has anyone else noticed the juxtaposition of good and evil around the Cowboys these days? Richie Cunningham at quarterback and Lex Luther in the owner's box? Just wondering.

Week 3, Oktoberfest Edition

Tough week. But when the chips are down, really down, you know marketing will be there to pick us right back up again. I didn't know what could possibly be worse than our collective scores this week until Anheuser-Busch's normally formidable ad agency rolled out this masterpiece:

Think back to the best beer you've ever had...and now get ready to top it. Budweiser.

Yup, seriously. A-B will be held responsible for the spontanteous combustion of at least 1,329 German Brewmasters.

Two guys in the pool aren't complaining much about their scores this week. Or if they are, Ed Hochuli will be over shortly to kick their asses.

"Al Davis touched me like this once. To this day, he wears Wal-Mart sweatsuits."
These gentlemen are Joe Mittnacht (first place in a landslide) and Chris Reuther (second). The results will stand regardless of the outcome of the game going on right now that features the Cincinnati "Who dey? And do dey play D?" Bengals vs. the New England Patriot Acts.

Sometimes when the favorites go down en masse, we have one or two smartypant-types who spoil the curve by betting heavy on a Murderer's Row of, say, Atlanta, Kansas City, and Buffalo. That's not the case this week, as all scores suffered and we more or less wound up with a push. And things could be worse. You could be Norv Turner. Or the Mets.

Back shortly with a link to the finances and the usual threats about paying up the entry fees. I need a new enforcer now that Tammy Faye has gone to that great makeup counter in the sky.

Who You?

I now present our Week #2 winner, who is clearly a force to be reckoned with. This was bumped in from the comments section so as not to be missed. See if you can spot the one item Angela didn't provide us with.

Name: Angela

Title: Rookie

Age/Ht/Wt: Not a chance!

Favorite team: Packers of course but also huge Badger fan (alumni)...usually found in Madison on Badger Saturdays trying to relive my college memories and drunkiness

Is that me in the picture?: I am short and blond but would not be caught dead in those colors!

Secret to my success for winning week two: I guess a lot! (wish I had a better answer but I am usually doing my picks at work and trying not to get caught)

Motto: "If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes"

Favorite beverage: Lime Kool Aid with strips of baloney

Semana Tres

This weekend the NFL honored Hispanic Heritage Month, and I firmly want to believe that its intention was to simply reach out to and acknowledge its Latino fan base...because if the NFL knows anything above all else, entiende la comercialización. ¿Sabes?

Many of us watching the cutaways to Philly vs. Detroit during the Packer game were subjected to relentless criticism of the Philadelphia Eagles throwback (throwup?) uniforms. I remain unclear as to what the problem was.

Besides, they sort of reminded me of my #77 Dave Roller PJ's, circa 1974.

Oh, they meant the players?

We're still waiting for Angela to introduce herself to everyone. For all I know that could be her on the left. Staff writers here are warming up their poison pens for next week.

Here's the awful truth for those who think the fix is in. My brother Jim has won, and sister Amy has taken second, Amy benefitting from being dead-on on tiebreaker points. And it gets worse. Jim is all alone through three weeks in the overall standings. I firmly reject any suggestion of impropriety, kickbacks, and preferential treatment. Also, Rex Grossman remains my quarterback.

I'm sorry for the late hour; normally these updates are supposed to go out before the Monday night game...but I was at the Brewer game and watched the Crew dominate the Cards. Probably too little too late. Any Packer fans want to help me recruit Josh McCown and Nathan Poole to maybe pull off another 11th hour miracle for a Wisconsin sports team?

What's that? You don't remember Josh McCown and Nathan Poole? Bet Dave Stellick remembers. Muahahahaha.

Week 2

Before we recap the week, there is one game still going on. Cleveland just scored and now leads the Bengals 172-148 with 3:32 left to play.

Big ups go out to Joe and Nadine, who, like many of you, promptly sent me the entry fee for this pool. But they included some original artwork (left) with the check. Is niiiiice.

In the event you were wondering why Jerry's picks materialized on Monday out of thin air, it's because he was unable to get them in on time and instead posted them in a message on the Smoove CBS site. I didn't notice it until today, but they were in under the wire. Jerry's used up his mulligan for the year.

Angela Novotney takes first this week and wins what I suppose we should start calling the Freshman 50. Two years ago when Anna Muchow was a rookie, she also won week two and proceeded to torch many of us that year. Congratulations to Angela, who now no longer has the right to remain silent. Angela, I'll be looking for your bio whenever you're ready to post it or send it in. The truth is not required. If you cannot provide your bio, one will be provided for you.

Oh, before I forget, the Wackenhut security guy at Blockbuster strongly recommends Miss Congeniality starring Sandra Bullock. I realize this is unsolicited and appropos of nothing, but so was the recommendation so I figured I pass it along.

Speaking of show biz, the winner of second place this week needs no introduction or biography. Here he is, as seen in August, courtesy of "security tapes" from the New England Patriots "technology staff":

It's Bill Gullo, of course, my one-time co-worker at Miller who feels the power of the dark side. One of these days I'm going to sit down and tally just his winnings. If he doesn't already have some kind of total title, I'm sure he leads in earnings per game or something.

That's all I have for now. Have a good week.

Roomeo and Juliet

I picked up the phone last Thursday evening.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end was unmistakably Reuther. But what was he saying? He intoned:

What light through yonder television breaks?
'Tis the Saints, and Indianapolis of the AFC East!
Arise, sons of Lambeau, with slings and arrows and max protect
In three hours' time vanquish the memory of 4th and 26
Behold the vestal livery of the green and the gold
Cast aside thy doubt that our quarterback is too old
Bring forth the pundits, the seers, and the fools
Who dare make predictions and tell secrets of cover two
And who is this Julius? Tis Caesar? Or Jones?
It matters not, my friend
Football is back, and I must get off the phone

I don't know that I've ever heard Roo quite so happy. So enthralled was I by his rhapsodic musings that I almost didn't have the heart to point out the flaw in his soliloquy. But that, of course, passed.

Dude! Indianapolis is in the AFC South.

Still, he was right. It's good to have football back, the trials imposed on us by the CBS Sports website notwithstanding. Before I get too far, I'd like to welcome back Team Lanning after a one year hiatus. Also say hello to new members Chris Graff and Angela Novotney. Mandatory bios will come at a later date, but I will at this time caution everyone that Chris is a Bears fan. I think that's him, third from left. I could be wrong.

Nice job, Jerry Znidorka (that's J-Z to you), right out of the gates. He gets first place in the first week. Interesting. Last season, Jerry placed dead last in week one. First place, as usual, will be worth fifty bucks each week this season. Second place each week is worth $20, and in week one, this spiffy little prize goes to Brother Jim, who owns the tiebreaker over Nadine/Joe.

Now then, this season's math:

32 players @ 50 apiece = 1600.

Weekly payout:
50 x 17 weeks = 850 for first place
20 x 17 weeks = 340 for second

For a total of 1190. This leaves 410 to divide amongst the overall winners.
175 for first
135 for second
75 for third

The last 25, you may remember, will go to the bottom-feeder, that is, the person with the worst point total who - and this is important - does his or her picks every week.

As usual, I will for the most part pay out all winnings at the end of the season, which saves me a lot of check writing. Exceptions are gladly made upon request, or if I see you and happen to have the cash on me.

More later.

This Looks Like A Job For....

If you've found doing your picks this season on CBS Sports ranks right up there with bobbing for watermelons in terms of level of difficulty, you are not alone. Not that we can't handle it.



"Of course without the likes of Americans like you, the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don't get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs!"




Still, in a world full of coarseness and contention on sports, politics, religion, and just about anything else you care to name, I suppose we should congratulate CBS Sports on finding something we can all agree on and that's that we hate their programmers. That said, everyone but Chad Lanning got their picks in the normal way, and Chad got his in on time via e-mail despite some technical difficulties. I had to enter them, and due to problems on CBS's end, I couldn't get the weights entered correctly until just now. So if you've seen some gymnastics going on with the scoring, that's me. I can be trusted. Even by Graff and Gullo. Hey, great news. Chevy is playing Our Country by Mellencamp in its ads for the third straight year and there's one on right now. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ingest something letha...wait. Okay. There's some cheerleaders. I'm good.

MNF Tiebreakers

Thanks to Joel "Fred Glitch" Van Kylen for pointing out that there are two Monday night games in the opening weekend. The tiebreaker game is the later of the two.

A Better Mousetrap. But Not Really.

A handful of you have done picks already. Nice!

For the rest of us, and that includes me: In addition to loading up their website with all manner of unnecessary bells and whistles, CBS mucked around with the mechanism by which we do our picks, and it’s causing some grief. Here’s how to deal with it:

1. Read the instructions. Carefully. I wish I had before making that panicked call to Mike McCravens, who had figured it out.
   
2. If those are unclear, observe:

Notice how I’m moving the Steelers/Browns game around in this screen cap. It’s my 16 now; when I drop it below the Seahawks game, it will become my 14, and the two games above will be assigned the 16 and 15. So select your winners first, then drag and drop each game until they’re in your preferred order, 16 at the top and 1 (3 when the byes start) at the bottom.

I’m kind of torn on this. Some programmers at CBS did mainly because they could, not because it’s useful. Technology for the sake of technology irritates me.

On the other hand, this mindset is 50% of what keeps me employed.

As a reminder, the regular season begins Thursday night. Picks are due an hour before gametime, and gametime is 8:30 eastern/7:30 central.

QOD

In case you were wondering - and I'm pretty sure no one was - how the Weekly World News found its way into our football pool, there are three reasons. The first is that completely accurate headline. The second is that the print edition of the WWN has just this month become defunct (so you'll need some other way to amuse yourself while the cashier runs a price check on the Charmin). The third is this awesome quote I ran across the other day from one of WWN's editors, explaining how the tabloid survived as long as it did:

A guy calls up The New York Times and says, 'My toaster's talking to me.' The Times hangs up on him. And then he calls us up and says, 'My toaster's talking.' We say, 'OK, put the toaster on. We want to talk to him.'

Dust It Off

Dear Friends of Smoove, past, present, and future

Pop quiz. Which is fastest?

A quark

A shark

A spark

Your 20's

Summer in Milwaukee

Of course, the correct answer is (e). ‘Cause here we are…

You can tell it’s August. The days are long and the air is hazy. The Brewers are finding new and inventive ways to torture us, and NFL exhibition games (a.k.a. The Big Yawn) are underway. Summer is careening recklessly into autumn, and with that comes the return of the Friends of Smoove B confidence football pool. It is time to welcome you, and your money, back into the fold.

Smoove himself, as usual, is busy, so I will be ghostwriting for him in this season’s confidence pool. The rules, dues, website, and (hopefully) the players remain more or less the same as last year. We normally have a tiny bit of attrition, and some select past players are on this mailing list in the hope that they can be persuaded to rejoin the fun of years past. But we’ll keep the total count somewhere in the mid 30’s. Those of you who were in this last year don’t need to do anything other than check your account at CBS Sportsline and update whatever needs updating. Those of you who will not be playing this year, just give me the word and I’ll slash your credit rating remove you from the standings. And those who are new or coming back, welcome! Let me know and I’ll send you the official Sportsline invitation.

As always, your $50 entry is good for the season. Weekly payouts of $50 for first and a to-be-determined amount for second will be the rule; season-long payouts are determined by player count.

And seriously...if all this friendly competition, for the low price of $50 isn't enough for you, consider the fact that you'll receiver weekly bonus coverage of critical current events that you won't get anywhere else!

Now how much would you pay?

I’ll be collecting those $50 entry fees whenever you’re ready. The address is in the email you should have received.

Week 17 and season wrapup

Most of you who splash around in this pool know who he is and are aware that, for years, he has played the mild-mannered also-ran to the likes of the Brothers Krier, The Lannings, the Annas and Ann Maries. Here he is back in “those days”….



...and here he is after the recent makeover that probably gave him the edge he needed:

"I won? That rocks like a hurricane!"

Quite some time ago I promised to reveal our first Smoove Hall Of Fame Lifetime Achievement Award winner, and this year it is, in fact, Mr. Bell, who has been on board since we started this in 1998. He now has the credentials to go with the longevity. A bust of Kirk will be enshrined next to Smoove’s first set of heart-shaped 300-thread count sheets. Kirk’s fortune for winning it all is $175, as set out at the beginning of the season.

Congratulations to Bill Gullo, who captured second overall this season, plus is this year’s biggest money winner. He adds $135 to his week-by-week winnings of 120, for a sick, sick total of 2.3 gazil, er, $255. Also, a big attaboy to Aaron Lytle, who staged a furious rally in week 17 and edged perennial Goliath Steve Krier for third by a single point. Aaron secures the modest sum of $75 that goes with third.

Fun fact: first place is a Packers fan living in Chicago and second place is a Bears fan living in Milwaukee. But the real question: is anybody a Rex Grossman fan? Just sayin’.

Not to be outdone by anyone, irrepressible sophomore Anna Muchow (one point on the Bears last night) takes the Week 17 jackpot, just barely holding off Joel Van Kylen (who had 16 on the Pack). The outrage around here over this injustice is palpable. Even Sister Jowls is ticked.

Nevertheless, we have to recognize the fact that Anna alone cracked 100 in what is normally the toughest week of the season to do picks.

Stay with me as we address the last two pieces of business. First, you no doubt remember the vote approving the awarding of the Enron Face-Plant Trophy to the person who purposely tanks yet gets all his or her picks in on time, every week. The honor, or dishonor depending on how you look at it, goes to Chris Reuther, who finished with the season with the solid thud of a large iron saucepan hitting a concrete sidewalk in January. Roo gets $25 and a hunting trip with Vice President Cheney for his trouble (Creed’s booked, sorry).

Second, I’m getting my checkbook warmed up. Winnings are going out this week. If I’m likely to see you, you may get a check or cash from me personally, otherwise, watch your mail. Sharp-eyed observers who check out the finance page here:

http://smoove.beerlineonline.com/

will note that yours truly is looking forward to receiving the last of the entry fees this week, which will greatly assist in the payout of all winnings. On that financials page, a number in parentheses indicates that I owe you.

As always, it has been my great thrill to host the pool (and donate my $$ to the winners, as so many of us did this season). Have a lovely, peaceful winter (can one call this winter?) and look for me in March when we fire up the Madness pool. Next season look for the return of the Lannings and the Buckleys, as well as some online improvements I’m not at liberty to discuss…mainly because I’m not sure I’ll have ‘em done by then.