Can I get a witness!

That's right.

With hours to spare.  In truth, I don't usually cut it this close.  Sometimes I'll finish as early as...you know, the 22nd.

Week 16 is in the can, and the shadowy figure known as Stellick, who hasn't gotten a mention in this column since September of 2010, ekes out a win against last year's defending champ, Rich.  It took a boffo 120 point performance and the tiebreaker to get it done.

So here we are on the bell lap and Jim P isn't showing any signs of slowing down.  There are a couple of us who might just have enough kick to run him down.  Ben is only six back, and Kelly (and her ferocious Hello Kitty avatar) are sixteen back.

As for the rest of us, it could be worse. We could be in charge of a team whose best quarterback is a wide receiver.  Or you could be me, having just lost your fantasy football championship game to an attorney friend  by four stinkin' points, and you now have to write a rap about how dope he is.  I'm glad we didn't build an actual performance into the wager.

Best wishes for a nice peaceful holiday week to all of you.  I think we could kinda use one.

Breaking Radio Silence

Sorry for the little hiatus.  I had been working diligently on the world's best christmas card, something that soaked up nearly all the time that I wasn't spending either at work or figuring out the world's best christmas presents.  And now?  Well, work's not finished, shopping is incomplete, and the card is now a President's Day greeting.  You all saw that coming.

I write this while watching the cleanup of our first Snowmageddon in at least a couple years.  The storm announced itself with wind and rain heavy enough to maybe cause one to consider using an umbrella, and ended with nearly everything closed early for no discernible reason.  Not exactly the stuff of the Mayan apocalypse, and definitely nothing on the order of Mark Sanchez's performance last Monday night.

Congratulations to our last two weekly winners, Mike and Paul.  Also, a nod to Jim Peters, who recently overtook his buddy Ben for the overall lead with just two football weekends to go.  Most of you don't know Ben, but perhaps you caught his cameo in the the hit movie Forgetting Brandon Marshall.

"The hell with this football sh*t, Carimi.  Let's go surfing."

Or not.

Good luck to all as the season winds down, and best wishes for a nice, peaceful holiday.  Back next week.

Dean The Dream

Welcome to this brief weekend edition of whatever it is I write about after a weekend of football.  I used to write about the football weekend the same weekend.  Lately, the following weekend seems more convenient.  At this rate I might write the story of the final weekend of the season some weekend in March 2013.  Get all that?

Last weekend made it three times, count 'em, THREE TIMES for Dean this season.

Dean has reached a level of awesome where he is only visible to those wearing special "Three Goggles."  And sometimes not even then.

It is very possible that the only thing that will stop him is the end of the season, which is shockingly close all of a sudden.  Dean's hot streak, remarkably, does not put him at the top of the standings, which Ben is holding down with a recently expanded lead.  So for most of us, that means it's time to plot that desperation move, prepare to throw into triple coverage, call that hook-and-lateral play you've been saving up...and hope something good happens.

Have a good, you know, weekend.

Joel Goes Off

The hallmark of the pool this season has been how close everybody is in the standings.  Very few are so far out of the running that they'd be in contention for the Roo Award - if there was such a thing this year.  Ironically, one such player might be Joel, who dropped a 131 on us, 18 points ahead of the next person who was...was...I don't know.  So 'grats to Fred Glitch and his Orchestra for winning the bonanza, which has to be damn near as exciting as tonight's 450 zillion dollar Powerball drawing.

(Sorry.  You didn't win.  Set the alarm tonight and be happy that you didn't get a swift kick in the n*ts courtesy of Ndamukong Suh.)

Matt Schaub auditions for his new career in opera

Things Like This Don't Happen

As you're aware, for the second time this season, our good buddy Kirk has hit from downtown (cue the deep rumble from somewhere deep in the earth's crust).  That alone should not be enough to start thinking maybe the Mayans were on to something after all.  However, there are enough conspiracy theorists running around lately that this news, in conjunction with the fact that I am doing most of the cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow for the first time in my life, might touch off speculation that something apocalyptic this way comes.  Bill Gullo keeps sending me emails about his premonition that Jay Cutler returns from injury to throw for 420 yards and five touchdowns.

Be calm everyone.  Things like this just don't happen.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  As I mentioned, I'm in the kitchen bright and early tomorrow working out the best balance of nutmeg, ginger, and hamburger seasoning for the pumpkin pie, so, you know, stop by for dessert if you're in the neighborhood.

Numbers Game

So, busy couple weeks.  In all that business - busyness? - yeah, busyness - I didn't have a chance to shout out to my sister way out in Seattle for her win in week 9.  And we also acknowledge Dean The Ninja, who stealthily emerged from the shadows, threw down a little football jiu-jitsu (16 on the Bengals. Yeah...), collected a second win this year, and quickly vanished into the ether again.  He's like that.  That was week 10.

The funny thing about all of this is that Nate Silver predicted both of these wins with 90% confidence three months ago.

Overall, standings at the top are tighter than Andy Reid's suspenders.  With tonight's win by Buffalo (over Miami - I throw that in because Drunk Nate Silver says there's a 99.5% chance you could not care less about either team), six points separates Ben (1st place right now) from Jim P (5th).

One last thing, in case you were wondering.  I'm no longer on the phone with BMO Harris.  Never did get through.  However, there has been a side benefit in that whole fiasco as the shrieking on-hold soundtrack they use has made Jon Gruden's color commentary on Monday Night Football sound at least 60% less annoying than it used to be.  Well, 50%.  Maybe 45.

Jon: "This guy...this guy...he's my favorite player in football.  He's an impact player.  I can't say enough about the job he's doing."

Mike: "Wasn't he just signed from the practice squad yesterday?"

Season of Ben

Something's been bothering me all day, in a sort of creepy, Twilight-Zoney kind of way.  Like sitting with your back to an open door.  Appropriate I should be on edge, you say, it being Halloween and everything.  True 'nuff.  Cue the spooky music.

Then it hits me.  We've been here before.  You know this week's winner was Ben, and if you were looking closely, you might have noticed he took over the top spot overall too.  So?  Well, he did exactly the same thing at this time last season.

Little chill up your spine?  No?

I can do worse.  I doubt you're ready for it.  In fact, whatever you do, do NOT click this link.

In Contrast To Last Week

"Kirkaz! Great win success!  We can now
drive to Pearl Harbor.  High five!"

Last week I covered someone who wins these weeks as often as LeRoy Butler turns up on local media.  This week, the story is someone who wins as often as Tony Mandarich turns up on local media.

It's 2006.  The Iraq war is going on four years old.  Brett Favre hasn't retired, not even once.  Borat is still a pretty big deal, and Smoove will not be attending your wedding.

This would also be the last time our good friend Uncle Kirk won any coin in this thing.  You read that right.  His last win was six years ago.  I think I was still driving my Studebaker.

To be sure, he won big that year.  One second-place during the season, and then he went on to win the whole thing, if my oddly complete records are, uh, complete.  So congrats dude.  It was a hard-fought victory over Laurie, going to the points tiebreaker, so well-deserved.  If patience is a virtue, you've displayed enough virtue to be the Virgin Mary.

Reminder to get those Thursday picks in.  I guess I don't need to say that too often anymore.

And in case you were wondering, my Wednesday night tradition of watching baseball while on hold with BMO Harris continues for the third straight week.  I have yet to identify the wailing sounds that pass for BMO's on-hold "music."  They must have been painful to record and I suspect may not be of this Earth.

Binders Of Wins

And now, for the late late show.  The new football week has started and here I am still wondering if the Buccaneers won last week.  Tampa still has a team down there, does it not?

Compliments to our first multi-week winner, and as usual, it's Sarah Schneider.  Number one with a bullet this week, really, as there was a ton of daylight between her and Ben, the runner-up.

Winning a lot of confidence pools has been de rigueur for Sarah for some time now.  I don't have an exact count - that would require some digging - but someone has obtained evidence, as seen on this image of her bookshelf, sent anonymously:

Anyway, that's all for now.  I'm on hold with my new bank, BMO Harris (not my choice), at the moment, and any day now, someone is going to pick up and thank me for my patience during this time of transition.  And I will say no problem, two weeks to reset a password is a small price to pay to be a small part of your multinational conglomerate.

QB FB Awesomeness

Read this.

http://profootballmock.com/?p=4810

Note: language is NSFW.

Hang On To Your Soul

There was a time when a game like yesterday's would ruin dinner for the next seven days.  But for whatever reason, I've learned to live with Packer losses over the last couple years, to the bewildered wonder of my wife, the neighbors, and a multitude of small, terrified animals within earshot.

Within the context of watching sports on TV, losses do, however, make irritating things doubly irritating, and that brings me inevitably to Coors ads.  So when I ran across this gem yesterday, I figured I'd share.

The challenge is to hang on to your soul. If I ever have to sell beer by putting girls in bikinis on TV, you'll know I've checked out.
-Dale Ketechis, Oskar Blues Brewing

Thus Smoove's Postulate is born: the hotter the girl in the bikini, the worse the beer.  Anyway.

Those of you who have checked will see that the nice girl I married borrowed a page from the Dean-Marlene strategy that has paid them off any number of times over the years.  Kelly bet it all on the Colts and with a lot of Luck, her horse came in (Rimshot!  Groans.  Thank you, I'll be here all week).

Laurie, congratulations to you also, for winning Week Four.  There was no recap last week as I had absolutely nothing useful to say.

Refund

I'm not a gambler, but wow.

1-1-WTF?

No need to re-live Monday night. It would be far too easy to use the bitterness of the Packers getting jobbed and the "interception" meme as excuses to take a cheap shot at, say, the nearest convenient division rival.

Good thing we don't do stuff like that here.

It appears, right now, that the real refs are on the way back. Only 48 hours and ten minutes too late.  And as a number of us have done our picks for week four (me included), I guess the nascent NFL boycott is off.  That said, in a strange convergence of National F**kup League-related events, Time Warner Cable reached a deal to carry the NFL Network just days ago, which, interestingly, makes our decision to drop cable TV come January that much easier.

<rant off>

Okay, back to business.  Congratulations to Team Dean/Marlene, our weekly winners.  They were, happily, unaffected by Mr. Magoo's touchdown call, i.e., they had won before that game even started.  So nobody here got hosed.

Good luck with the picks this week.

I've Got a Guy On the Line About Some Whitewalls

Sorry for the tardiness of this update, everyone. I was incorrectly flagged for several false starts and sentence fragments. These were overturned upon review, but it took twenty minutes each time. Not to pile on the NFL's overmatched replacement refs, but if I was Roger Goodell, I'd be placing a phone call right about now to somebody who might be able to head off the oncoming train wreck.



Meanwhile, congratulations to Bill Gullo, winner of week #2, on his 98.

Points, that is.

We have 22 players this year, or a total pot of 1100. As always, win a week, get your money back, as Sarah and Bill have already found out. That leaves 250 to pay out to the overall winner. I propose said winner get 200 and the runner up 50. No Roo Award this year. So...almost a winner-take-all scenario. Choose wisely gang.

The Replacements

Overheard:
rrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnngggggg
"Thank you for calling the NFL officiating call center.  How may I provide you with excellent service today?"
"Did you SEE that block in the back!?  How could you miss that?"
"I'm sorry sir, I will do my best to assist you with this problem.  First, please provide your team name and current location."
"My what?"
"Please hold sir.  I must first check to see if you've used all four of your timeouts this half."

Getting it right the first week, it is said, is like successfully nailing jello to the wall.  This has not been a problem for Sarah Schneider, who has now won the opening jackpot in three of the last four seasons.  The outcome is certain as I write this since no one put much on the game on right now, San Diego at Oakland.

Less certain is whether Sarah will agree to a celebratory date with new Raiders head coach Dennis Allen.  Word on the street is that he's pretty persistent, and it has nothing to do with his finally being able to see R-rated movies.

Still sorting out the final player count for this year so more updates later in the week.

P.S.

I should probably add that the pool home page is on CBS Sportsline, our home of many years.  Click here to go there.  You need your own account with CBS (I don't know your id or password).  The pool might prompt you for a password also.  The password is smoove5.

One More Time Around

September 1st, 2012.  Wild.  When I first started the confidence pool back in a different century, I didn't think it would see 2012, or if it did, it would have morphed into the Outer Space Football League or something.  But anyway.  The Friends of Smoove B football pool is back.

After all this time, I doubt you need the rundown on how this works.  You and this pool are basically an old married couple now, where the rules are understood and you're allowed to do your picks with the bathroom door open.  But if you're new...well, 1) welcome, and 2) please read:

You buy into the league for $50 (0% inflation since the late 1990s).  Every week you assign a confidence value to each NFL game being played, putting 16 on the game your most sure of and counting down from there to 1 (3 or 4 during bye weeks).

Payout for the weekly point winner is $50.  You're also competing for high points overall.  Season-long payouts will be announced and depend on the number of players.  I usually pay out the top two spots, and have a $25 bronx cheer known as the Roo Award that goes to the person with the lowest season-long point total, assuming that person did picks every week.  I keep no commissioner fees.

As for where to go with entry fees, my address is unchanged, but if you need it again, just send me an email or message on Facebook and I'll get it to you.

The season starts this coming Wednesday - September 5.  Picks for a game are due an hour or two prior to its scheduled start.  I will do my best to remind you, especially before the midweek games, but ultimately it's on you to hit the deadlines.

Nice tackle, by the way, at 1:03.

 

Anti-Climax

I admit this post would have been a lot more interesting if it had happened before the final game of the regular season last Sunday night, with the scenarios for the week and the overall wins laid out for you nice and tidy.  Good drama, good for ratings.  I did not do this.

The only drama left is if you happened to check the finances after I entered the results wrong and before I corrected them and you think you won and you did not.  Terribly sorry if that's the case.

So another season is in the can, friends. We've run out of regular season like the NBA has run out of reasons to have seasons.  Congratulations (2nd time) to Diana, Rookie Of The Year, for win #2.  As my brother put it, his wife has carried his sorry as$ all season long.  In return, Jim has agreed to watch ten (10) romantic comedies this winter without so much as a smirk.

And now to the recap.  The overall winner is Rich Dingle (250).  Rich toiled in anonymity most of the fall, not winning a single week along the way, and yet, here he is.  When questioned about achieving consistency of this level, Rich paused, fixed his gaze through narrowed eyes, and explained: "Dominus Ominous."  A disconcerting rumble followed, a dog barked in the distance, and the entire Chicago Bears coaching staff ran for the exits.  I'm still a little shaken.

In second was Jim Peters (125).  JT got skunked last year, and like Rich, got nothing during this season until the very end, when he had just enough air in the tires to stay ahead of Dan Franklin.

Our ersatz Roo this year is Mike McCravens.  Mike tanked beautifully starting around about week 8, oddly, right after winning the week prior. The Roo Award, as usual, is worth 25 plus a big ol wet *pfffftttt* from the rest of us.

As I mentioned above, the finances are worth your examination.  Click here to see what I'm talking about.  If there is a number in Column F wrapped in parens, that's good news as it means I owe you, and payment will be on its way shortly. Remember when I mentioned Dwolla a couple weeks ago?  That offer stands, and two of you have already taken advantage of it.  Is niiiiiice.

If there is a standard number in Column F (and it's probably 50.00), that is your unpaid entry fee.  I believe I'm currently short 200.00, or will be once the winnings go out.  So, uh, help a brother out, k?

And with that...happy offseason and happy new year to one and all.