Bloody Hilarious

So I had all kinds of stuff to say this week. The attaboy to Mr McCravens for finally getting his due. A few notes about the 1400 club (that being the three guys who have somehow reached that lofty total in what has been cement mixer of a football season). Nasty, uncharitable comments about the Bears. And, of course, best wishes for a great holiday to you and yours.

Then I saw this and haven't really stopped laughing since.

Don't forget there's a game Thursday night. Being the last night before Christmas, it's probably best I started on, you know, shopping, so if you forget to do those picks and need to reach me, I won't be anywhere.

And yes...have a great Christmas.

Why the Long Face?

Bruce Pearl and his elastic sinuses sum up well how football is going at my end. It's tough, these droughts in both fantasy football and this here confidence pool, and then of course the real thing's not going so hot either. I don't know who drew up the ol' "three points and a concussion" game plan last Sunday for my guys, but damn. Just put an inflatable dome over Lambeau and call it a season.

So how are you doing?

Another nice job by Laurie Sexton, who has won two of the last four weeks. You would think at this rate she'd be overtaking the field faster than Talgo is leaving Milwaukee, but in truth she's kind of hanging with us bottom feeders in the overall. Maybe it's a sympathy thing.

Anyway, we're getting down to it and we've got a nice little race for the top...and bottom. Three to go.

Have a good week.

Glitch in the system

I wrote most of this two nights ago, even as Tom Brady was torching the Jets for 750 yards of passing, 3 runs batted in, and a triple-double. But something distracted me and so here we sit, with a game tomorrow, and I'm still on last week.

Congratulations to Joel, who blasted to the top of the charts this week, knocking A Rob Zombie Christmas Album down two spots to #3. Also falling this week is the namesake of a certain award...

....that's right. This week we find, in line for the Roo award with four weeks to go....Roo. I don't know what happens if you win your own award. Maybe we get anti-matter. Maybe we get the anti-Roo. Heh, that would be something. Drives a Prius. Never been to Texas. Eats Hormel chili and is into The Weather Channel.

Or maybe it would be something even more terrifying. Dunno. I am afraid we may find out.

In Memoriam

Let me first congratulate Team Dean/Marlene on eking out their victory last night by virtue of the Niners winning the Toilet Bowl. I watched that game for a little while, amusing myself by counting the number of times Jon Gruden gushed over somebody he first read about three hours earlier in the Arizona Cardinals' media guide.

Good thing it wasn't a drinking game. Surely that would have been serious.

So I hope Dean and Marlene don't mind sharing space with this week's first ever honorary winner, O.J. Simpson Leslie Nielsen (1926-2010). It's not just that we'll miss his pure comedy gold, but the late Nielsen is also a better quarterback than Derek Anderson.



Tune in next time to find out more stuff you already knew, and have a good week.

Brought to you by...

It's a numbers game, and the number of the week is One, as that is the difference between what Laurie thought the over-under would be on Monday night and what it actually was. One is also the number of points McCravens needed that total score to go up by for him to break the tie with Laurie and validate his bold prediction that THIS would be his week.

Observant friends of Smoove B will notice that my feeble attempt to load the dice with last week's post didn't work, although there was noticeable improvement. Damn the Roo award Bill, I'm comin' after you.

So Thanksgiving (or as we call it in 2010, "Retail Thursday") is upon us, and I would like to wish you all a wonderful holiday, and for the love of Pete, don't do this.

Speaking of Pete, I still need entry fees from a few of you.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, please do get picks in for the three Thursday games by early T-Day morning; remember, you can make changes to other picks before Sunday kickoff.

And speaking of loaded dice....well, it's time to get funky.

An Old Friend Surfaces

It has been far too long.

I can haz teh worst?

Last week I posted a picture of Ben Franklin, and this week was won by Ben Urquhart. Having been absolutely drilled now for I don't know how many weeks, and with my point total of last Sunday hovering somewhere between the current temperature and Brad Childress's approval rating, you'll forgive me for this.









There. That oughta do it.

Congratulations to Ben, and don't forget that you're on the hook for a THURSDAY game this week, same as last week. As I mentioned, you have the option to change your picks for the remaining games after the Thursday game.

Tune in next week for pictures of Shannons, Aarons, and perhaps Jameses. That is all.

I Can't Handle The Truth

"We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, and that Dan Franklin shall herewith and perpetually be the undisputed winner of the Friends of Smoove B weekly football jackpot."

I suppose having a distant ancestor like this guy at left writing the rules of the Republic for you might be considered an unfair advantage.

So Dan already owns a hat trick, and we're only halfway through the season. You would think he's running off with this thing like he just stole Brett Favre's phone records from Deadspin, but the truth of the matter is that Triscuits and peanut butter make a great nighttime snack. Oh, and that Bill Gullo is still out front overall, the only member of The 800 Club through Week 9.

Tip of the hat to Mike McCravens for the Reminder of the Week: there's a Thursday game this week, which I probably would have forgotten about but for his email tonight. Before you give yourself over to gut-wrenching despair, I have two pieces of good news. First, this is pretty interesting. Second:

I changed the pool rules.

For the first time in pool history, picks for non-Sunday games are due one hour before the first game of that day. That means - for this week - that picks for the Thursday game are due at about 6:30 central time, and picks for the rest are due at 11 a.m. CST Sunday.

You're welcome. Those of you who have yet to send me the entry fee can say thanks by checking out the financials here to see if I still need fitty from ya's.

Sarah Smiles

This.



That's right. Second win this year for Sarah Schneider, Our Lady Of The Frozen Tundra.

More next week. Got nothing interesting tonight, not even with Randy Moss signing with his fourth team in the last 36 hours.

Roo Awarded

The news of Week 7, of course, is that Roo has triumphed, successfully navigating yet another hot mess of a football weekend that saw the Raiders put up more points in one game than they did in the last three seasons combined. In keeping with the theme of football this year, he was also injured while doing his picks and might miss 3-4 weeks.

Kinda late and it's been a long day, starting entirely too early wall-to-wall political ads interspersed with wall-to-wall coverage of some very high winds here in the midwest, so I'll leave you with this thought: run for your lives!

Lightning Strikes But Twice

For the second time in three weeks, Dan Franklin's our winner. Upon taking it to the house, he promptly signed his picks with a Sharpie, ate all my popcorn, and sent a text to Jenn Sterger. Smelling opportunity, I tried to sell this story to Deadspin. They aren't returning my calls.

But no need to play that sad trombone for me. It's that time of year when I am sometimes lucky enough to be traveling back from somewhere nice, and there is no better resource for the unintentionally hilarious than Skymall magazine. So even as I was scoping out talking golf clubs and USB-powered wine racks, I found this.



Words fail me.

Maybe somebody better get Ted Thompson on the line. The Packers need any help they can get and what better help than gravity-defying athletic shoes...now with Sperm Drive®!

Bill Goes Nuclear

Okay. This is highly tardy but my excuse is that I'm in an undisclosed location with intentionally limited internet access unless you count the B&B's Wifi, my phone, and iPod touch. Almost totally disconnected, you see.

Anyway. Unless you're Gullo you know you didn't win last week. What none of you probably knew is that I have no record of a total point spread that large. There was Bill and then there was his closest pursuer, Kristin, 23 points behind. So he basically ran this marathon alone, defying convention and making us all look silly.

Or was there something more to it than that?



All I know is we're gonna have to beef up security around the W.O.P.R.

Lightning Strikes But Once

...and we therefore congratulate Ben Dan Franklin on his win this week. It's rare that we use the tiebreaker, and I would imagine Joel looked at the standings Monday afternoon, saw the 65 Dan posted as a point total, and figured great, smooth sailing. But it wasn't enough to bet the under, as New England alone accounted for 41 points. That other team put up a few too.

So condolences to Joel. Insult to injury, he was the only one in the pool who didn't register a sack of Jay Cutler Sunday night.

In other news, Moon Man returns to the Vikings. As a result, sources are reporting that Brett Favre may rejoin the team after missing the first three weeks of the season.

Week Three Death March

"Son", Dad said, "there are going to be weeks like this. Nothing, and I mean nothing will go right. Your team will lose. Your other team will lose. You might personally even finish last in something. It might keep you up at night. Yelling won't help. Crying won't help. Denial won't help."

"Gee dad, sounds bad. What do I do?"

"Well son, I have just two words for you: horse tranquilizers."

"Gee dad, that's sounds swell. Hook me up?"

Quick congratulations to Mr. Stellick, a wandering soul who returned to us this year, on winning this week's jackpot. Fortune favors the bold, and I guess putting 14 on Arizona no matter who they're playing might be construed as such.

Meanwhile, there I am at the bottom after three weeks, treading water, with only my sis worse off than me.

But it's all gonna be fine, thank you very much.

We Pick Rick

Your winner this week, as you know, was Rick Astley Tulloch. Mild-mannered, upbeat, and with a surprisingly deep voice, I can only guess Rick watched, calm as can be, as Garret Hartley kicked the game winner for the Saints last night. "Cool", he would have said...and then maybe celebrated with some of this easy flowin' smooveness right here.



Yup. We've been Rick Roll'd. I'll try not to let it happen again.

Four Score and Twelve Weeks Ago.

Last September 17th, I posted this from the balcony of a house on Maui, looking west over the Pacific Ocean. One year later, I am posting from a stuffy room looking south over Commerce Street. And yet, the story has changed hardly at all. There are no mangoes nearby. That's one difference.

BUT...the real story is that Sarah Schneider leads off the season with her now-customary win, though it was not quite the same 7 on the Richter scale that she uncorked last year at this time. Sarah has already paid for her season. "I'm cleanin' up, baby!" she was heard to exclaim, moments before she hotwired a street sweeper and sent it careening down Lombardi Avenue into midday traffic.

Anyway, the numbers this season are:
Total pool: 24 players @ 50 = 1200
Weekly prize: 50 x 17 weeks = 850
This leaves 350 to divide amongst the overall winners. I propose:
225 for first
100 for second

Yup, that's just TWO places payin' out in January, plus...

...25 for the Roo Award, which goes to the person who gets picks in every week but otherwise tanks it hard enough to finish dead last. We're small enough that I couldn't see paying out some token amount for third place, but the Roo Award is always good for yuks.

Hop #13

Crazy. Our 13th season is about to begin. Now, in all seriousness, I can say "we were young when this show started". And not in the I-just-watched-a-Jennifer-Lopez-movie way.

The Friends of Smoove B football pool is back to haunt your late-week dreams this fall. Once again we're looking at a season of hopes and expectations, hits and misses, and weekly updates that come two days too late except when they're three days too late.

If you've been with us in prior seasons, and by getting this message you probably were, you don’t need to do anything other than check your account at CBS Sportsline and update whatever needs updating. If you're new, you are a rare find indeed. The short version: you buy into the league for $50, which is good for the season. Every week you assign a confidence value to each game being played, putting 16 on the game your most sure of and counting down from there to 1 (3 or 4 once the bye weeks start).

Weekly payouts of $50 for first and a to-be-determined amount for second will be the rule as usual; season-long payouts are determined by the number of participants, but usually, the top three spots pay out something. I keep nothing off the top.

As for where to go with entry fees, my address is unchanged, but if you need it again, just send me an email or message on Facebook and I'll get it to you.

The season starts Thursday evening, September 9th. Picks are due two hours prior to the first game each week. I will do my best to remind you, especially before the Thursday games, but in the end, it's on you to hit the deadlines.

By the way, did you hear last year's overall money winner has gone and insured his hair for $1 million?

Totally not photoshopped.

The Revenge of Fred Glitch

Good evening everyone. I have here the late late news. So late it's not even news anymore.

Congratulations to Joel Van Kylen, whose Shot In The Duke Dark was enough to rock first place in this year's edition of the bracket pool. That's 140 to Joel.

In second was Aaron "Short Stack" Lytle, who takes the runner-up prize of 80 plus two small pancakes.

Third and fourth tied this year, so we then went to total championship game points to sort this all out, and in the end Shannon "Ethel" Allen edges Steve "UNI" Deering. Ethel gets a modest 30 and Steve...well, Steve doesn't have to pay his entry fee.

The rest of you do, however. Like, eight of you, at last count. Here are the finances.

Thanks everyone. It was fun, even though Duke won. I take some comfort in the fact that it will now be some time before Kyle Singler and his chin will be on TV again.

In other news, Young and Crippen complete first orbit in newfangled contraption called "space shuttle." Film at eleven.

The-Party-Is-Over-Update

Everyone, please forgive my general neglect of the pool this March. There are lots of reasons why I'm a little behind this year, but rather than get into them, let's just say I've been trapped under something silly.

I have FINALLY determined payouts for this year's bracket pool, and they are as follows:

1st: 140
2nd: 80
3rd: 30
4th: 10

We have 26 players this year, a nice jump up from 22 last year. Unfortunately, only a few of you have any realistic shot at any of the winnings, but still, it was kind of cool to see the Ali kid from N. Iowa melt the faces off the Rock Chalk set with that three-pointer with 30-some seconds to go.

Would you be surprised to learn that this very pool has someone in it that played for UNI in 1990, the first year that school went to the Big Dance? It's a fact, but I will not reveal the identity. He can do that himself.

Thanks to those of you who have submitted your entry fees. To those who have not, I have posted my address on the pool message board.

Finances can be found here.

Poor Raoul.

We interrupt your peaceful offseason for a word from the man himself. It is not often we are graced with our namesake's sparkling prose. Nevertheless, I will stand aside so Smoove can break it down for you here:

http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/smoove_is_not_a_fan_of

This Race Is Run

As my good friend Gary often says, "another year shot to hell."

The breathless sprint down the homestretch concluded Sunday with Jim Wiesner winning a photofinish with Rich Dingle. Mike "Slim" McCravens finished a half-length back to lock down third place, holding off a charging Rick Tulloch (134 points in the most unpredictable week of the season!) by little more than a nose hair.

I've enjoyed all your nice cash for these few months, but as promised, it's time to empty the coffers and send a few of you lucky winners off into the teeth of everyone's favorite month, January.

Prizes to:

Jim: 225, and nice lady from the balcony

Rich: 125, and a player to be named later

Mike: 25, and a compensatory pick in the fifth round

Also a pat on the back to Mr. Tulloch, the (obvious) winner of Week 17.

On to the Roo Award, the dubious honor bestowed on the player(s) who were so bad they were good. A couple posts ago I indicated that I thought no one would catch Bill G in his freefall, but I failed to notice that Dean/Marlene had also not missed picks in any week this season and were right there with him. In fact, Dean & Marlene have successfully defended their "title" - this is their second consecutive Roo award - and will be rewarded with $25, some horse apples, and this green thing I found in the back of the fridge. If these keeps up I'm going to have to rename this trophy.

Checks are being written tonight and tomorrow night. Balances can be found here, as always. If you see a number in parentheses next to your name, look for a little something from me in the mail soon, and thanks for being patient. It's nice having to only write this one batch of checks.

Now it's time to say goodnight, and in keeping with the horse racing theme, let's wrap up the 2009 football pool with this insanely funny vid from a few years ago that otherwise has nothing to do with anything. Before that, though, be aware that this video is R-Rated for language, so headphones on, people. And of course, Happy New Year, one and all.