Week 16, 2006 Season

The holidays being as chaotic as they are, it sometimes happens that the inmates take over the asylum while Smoove and I are looking the other way. For two weeks running now, the Sanderseseseses own us, taking first in weeks 15 and 16 with identical 113 point scores. Their week 16 score is even more significant when you consider were into that part of the season where scores should be fairly low. Starters are being rested by teams with nothing to play for and the only thing you can really, truly rely on is a game like the Colts v. Texans, where the only sane thing to do would be to put your 16 on Indy. Right.

It’s also that Krier time of year. Though Gary’s philosophy of winning is unorthodox and I’m not certain he’s aware that the Colts have left Baltimore, you sure can’t argue with the results. Congrats to Gar on second place and another money win this week.

We’re all down to one last shot.

In first place, as you know, is another Krier brother, Steve. No one is surprised by this. He’s already won two weeks this season and generally can be found lurking around the top five at this time of year. Right behind him in second, and I don’t know how he’s doing it, is good friend Kirk. Seances and virgin sacrifices have been rumored for weeks now, and I might even be inclined to believe the latter were it not well-known how few actual virgins can be found within a 50-mile radius of Kirk.

Also very much alive are Aaron Lytle, Bill Gullo, and Jim Wiesner.

To knock one of these dudes off will, I suspect, take some out-of-the-box thinking. There will be upsets and general weirdness going on in week 17, so it’s time to be creative.

"No...that's just what they'll be expecting us to do."

Meanwhile, at short end of the stick, you’ll find Chris Reuther. Roo is in a full dive as he contends for the bottom-feeder award. As a reminder, the prize at stake here is $25, plus three days in a holding cell with the members of Creed.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday week. Happy new year….drive safely and watch your intake of mock-chicken legs.

Peace out.

Week 15

Look! Up in the sky! What is it? It's huuuuuge!

What could it be? A meteor? A 747? Tank Johnson's gun cabinet? The Cincinnati Bengals' collective rap sheet?

No. None of the above. It is, in fact, Rich Dingle's mojo, which has grown by leaps and bounds since he ponied up his entry fee two Sundays ago. Since that day, he has won second place for both NFL weekends, yesterday by virture of tiebreaker points vs. Paul Seifert. Who knows what he'll do with the remaining two?

So for the two or three with your entry fees still hanging over your heads, be it known unto you that great rewards await* upon receipt of this entry fee.

Moving on, big congratulations to the Sanderses on a convincing win this week and spoils in the amount of 50 maccaroons. This marks their second money finish this season.

The overall is as tight as I've ever seen it, setting up a righteous showdown between Anna and Kirk (tied), Brother Jim (one point back), and Steve Krier (two back). Assorted others are well within striking distance with two weekends remaining.

Sorry for the tardiness of this update. I have a litany of excuses which you really don't want to hear just now. Two quick reminders: We have a Thursday game again (you know the drill), and, of course, Happy Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hannukah. And many blessings upon your camels.


*Disclaimer: Actual rewards may or may not be material in nature. Rewards may in rare cases have side effects such as nausea, double vision, bleeding gums, and a burning desire to smack Terrell Owens. Consult your doctor if your desire to smack Terrell Owens persists, as he may be able to prolong this desire. Your mileage may vary. It's true, the Minnesota Vikings really are owned by a guy named Ziggy. 0% financing is available to those with exceptional credit, but not to you, Stellick. God, I can't pick Jaguars right to save my life. This offer good for a limited time only. Smoove interjecting here to say "Baby, he's no good for you. Come away with Smoove and let him take you to the next level. Buttered corn is part of this next level." Duplicate entries are not permitted. For full details, please visit our website at www.icantbelieveyourestillreadingthis.com.

Week 14

Welcome to the Week 14 wrap, annoying commercial edition.

I watched my fair share of football yesterday, and with it all the insufferable truck commercials I could possibly handle. Never thought I’d see the Mellencamp thing go by the boards, but Nissan has managed to one-up GM by abusing Black Sabbath, over and over and over, to sell Titans. Blech. I sat in the dentist chair this afternoon listening to a Lawrence Welk-ized version of Midnight Train To Georgia, and thought, “hey, this really isn’t bad at all.”

"Thank you boys. That was a bitchin-a tune-a."

Gullo! Again! How does he do it? Tea leaves? Protective witchcraft? Silent prayers to Moses Moreno? My money’s on that irritating little tike in the Samsung TV ads, and I will quote: “Bill’s amazing. It’s smoke and mirrors.”

As I write, the Bears are keeping their slim playoff hopes alive by beating up on the Rams right now, and assuming this holds up, Bill gets his (I think) third money finish of the year, finishing runner up this week.

The real story tonight is the return of the Man You Fear, Steve Krier. The Brothers Krier have played this season mostly under the radar but now that it’s crunch time, one of them was going to go off, and now we know who. Steve takes the weekly jackpot AND the lead in the overall, with three weeks to go.

Thanks to all who have gotten their entry fees in as the season winds down. Um, there are still three of you, though….don’t make call up Tammy Faye.

Have a good week.

Week 13

We have one guy tonight who is very, very unhappy with Jake Delhomme and/or Carolina’s play calling, and that would be Gary, who watched his money finish evaporate over the outstretched hands of Keyshawn Johnson. “They just HAD to throw him the damn ball” Gary was heard to say, before wandering off to polish one of his five or six automobiles.

Paul Seifert (1st) and Rick Tulloch (2nd) are happier, having reached the winners’ circle for the first time this year.

There are four weeks remaining in the regular season, and, as usual, the ladies are beginning to flex. Brother Jim represents the only guy in the top four. If the names of the top two women look familiar, they should. Ann Marie and Anna finished #1 and #3 last year. This year’s top money winner so far is Amy Dunn, so basically, abandon hope all ye whose names don’t begin with “A”.

Keep in mind that this season marks the debut of the Futility Bowl®. Earlier this year, we voted to recognize the person who achieved the lowest overall score without missing his or her picks for any week. If the season ended to today, Chris Reuther would our first anti-champ, and he would be awarded $20 and the Enron® Face Plant Trophy, signed by Matt Millen, O.J. Simpson, and the defensive backfield coaches of both the Packers and Vikings.

Also keep in mind the presence of yet another NFL Network-only game this Thursday night, which means picks are due Thursday-day. Look for results of the “NFL Network Must Die A Fiery Death” poll coming up next time. Till then, have a good week.

Week 12

The air was cleaner and food tasted better yesterday night than it has for many weeks. Nice to actually get the 15 and 16 right for a change…and I suppose it didn’t hurt that the Bears lost. I should be feeling more inspired for all these reasons…

Take note, kids, that the Jim Wiesner insurgency has displaced the Bockheim sect in a palace coup and is now out front in the season-long derby. However, uprisings from both the Sarah and Anna factions are already threatening the new leadership’s fragile hold on power.

Given that no one has failed to get picks in this season, I expect a tight sprint to the finish with at least five of you vying for first alone.

Banal football-audience-targeted advertiser of the week: McDonald's. I know McD's is probably too easy a mark, but only in the alternate universe of TV marketing does a young, popular African-American male gaze at a party crasher and say "where's my parfait, homey?"

Week 12 shakes out thusly: if the Pack wins this evening, we all win. But Jerry Z wins a little more, and Brother Jim finishes second. If the Seahawks win, Jerry falls into the abyss, with Brother Jim winning first and arch-nemesis Jim Newman taking second. So basically, if your first name does not begin with J, we can't do nuttin for ya tonight.

We break in to regular programming with this ever-so-subtle reminder: some of you still haven't paid your entry fee. You know who you are, and thanks to the magic of cheap web hosting, now everyone else knows too.



Do NOT make me send her after you.

Week 11

The quote of the week comes from Kelly, who did in fact sleepily murmur the following just before bedtime the other day:
"I have the gift. The gift of night-night."

The Smoove player of the week is the enigmatic Pete Graber, who I finally met in person at the Marquette game last Tuesday evening. That's one less player in the Smoove whose existence I need not doubt.

Commercial inanity of the week:

"You've waited all year...and now it's here...endless shrimp...at Red Lobster.”

So now you have the unenviable task of choosing between that and another highly anticipated annual event, Toyotathon ’06. Choose well and stay tuned, because next week I’m going to bash the hell out of a Chevy truck while Mellencamp’s “Our Country” plays in the background.

Statistic of the week: The number of us who blew our 16 in week 11: 21 (out of 32). In week 10 it was 10…in week 9, 23. With accuracy like that, we could all be TV meteorologists.

On to the potential winners of week 11:
If I’ve done the math right, Bill Gullo needs Jacksonville tonight for first, and yours truly would in that case take second. If NYG wins, Ann Marie (Dragan) takes top honors and Captain Kirk is Miss Congeniality (and really, when is he not?).

Please do note this very important, uh, note: Thursday is Thanksgiving Day, which all of you are well aware of, having purchased numerous Thanksgiving presents while listening to all the Thanksgiving music on the radio. This means picks are due on Thursday!

Happy T-Day to all, and be advised that the Friends of Smoove B football pool will be broadcasting continuous Christmas favorites starting now through December 26.

Week 10

A new episode of “Conversations With Sis” begins right now [binnggggggg] here on Smoove B Broadcasting.

Me: Ames, seriously, what the f***?
Sis: What?
Me: You won again.
Sis: I did?? Woohoo!
Me: You have GOT to tell me the secret.
Sis: I can't say too much. You have to smoke the right number of banana peels.
Me: What?
Sis: Joking!
Me: Oh.
Sis: It's really the cough drops.
Me: Of course it is. How many?
Sis: I stopped at 14, right after an image of a weeping Dick Vermeil appeared on my organic nine-grain toast. Hey, I'm thinking about coming to town for Thanksgiving Day after all. I can collect my winnings then, if that's okay with you?
Me: Great. I'll go see my personal lender at M&I. How is it that you only lost two on the Falcons and three on the Patriots?
Sis: Easy. Chad Pennington was rising in the constellation Andromeda two nights ago.
Me: What?
Sis: For real.
Me: So you’re still till taking those cough drops then?
Sis: Don’t get snippy. It’s working, isn’t it? How much have you won?
Me: Yeah, well….
Sis: Anyway, I gotta run. When we win, Jeff and I make extra hot double-skim lattes and do the electric boogaloo. He's getting his dancing shoes on now.
Me: They must be nearly worn out by now.

The rumors are true. Amy Dunn has finished in the money in four out of ten tries, three of those going for first place. Her total winnings so far put her at right about the amount the overall winner gets in January and just shy of the amount one needs to possess to appear on “Celebrity Cribs”.

The Nadine and Joe Sanders duo (are they a duo or does Joe secretly do the picks from an undisclosed location?) came up with just enough mojo to take second this week after what has so far been a tough season for them.

Also note the change of the guard at the top. Aaron (that’s just Aaron to you) has overtaken the Michigan Marauder for first in the overall, though by a razor thin margin. It’s getting interesting. Anybody shooting for the bottom yet? Not working, is it? I’d have put 16 on the Texans too. Whoops.

Have a good week.